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Chapter 6

Back to Normality

By the next morning I had come to my decision. Life must go back to normal. If you could call what we had normal. No, you couldn’t, but life must go back to what I had deemed normal for the situation.

Leonie was relieved to see me as I emerged from my chambers close to lunch. I did not see my husband until dinner and was sure that by this time he would have been told of my reappearance and would have had time to react to it in any way he approved of and would have had time to recompose himself by the time that he saw me.

As I entered the dining room that night in a simple blue dress I was surprised to find my husband present, dressed once more to an image of perfection. He offered me his arm and I took it. He led me to my chair and I sat. He sat across from me and I stared at my fork as though it were the most interesting thing in the world.

“Are you feeling well my Lady?” His voice took me by surprise and I looked up at him. His face was an image of concern.

“I am quite well, thank you. Just a little sleep-deprived.”

“Is there anything I can offer you to ensure a good night’s sleep tonight my Lady?”

“I shall be fine. I did not sleep in my bed last night and I think that contributed greatly to my lack of sleep.”

“May I suggest that you take advantage of the bed that has been set up in your chambers tonight my Lady?”

“Yes, I think that is a formidable idea.” I smiled. It seemed that both Demore and I had come to the same conclusion. Normality is best. “I shall do that.”

“Most excellent.” There was silence for some time as we ate. As my stomach began to fill and the silence became unbearably deafening I spoke up once again.

“I quite enjoyed the dinner we had with your parents and mine and my father and I both agreed that we should do it again some time. Perhaps we could organise an evening that we all have available?”

“I will not have that pompous fool in my house again.” The sudden anger in his voice scared me but I would not allow my husband to insult my father. I rose from my seat and leaned across the table towards him.

“My father is not a pompous fool and you would do well not to call-”

“Your father? What are you on about? Oh, Keeper take you, I did not mean your father. It is mine who I shall not have under this roof again as long as I live and he knows this and would do well to keep away.” Demore’s sudden change in temper startled me so that for a moment his words did not process in my mind.

“Your- Your father?” I came to a sudden understanding. “What has caused this rift between you and your father? Can it not be patched up?”

“You and no.” It was a dismissive answer, though I did not return to my seat.

“Me? What have I done to deserve this accusation?”

“Nothing and it was not an accusation; now please sit down before your dinner gets any colder.”

“No, I think I have quite satisfied my appetite, or have lost it, I am unsure of the answer at the present.” I exited my position at the table and began to move towards the door.

“Now my Lady, must all of our dinners end like this? Do you realize that we have not had one dinner without incident or interruption since we were married?”

“I had plenty of uninterrupted and uneventful dinners while you were not present.” I had gone too far and I knew it. I left the room as fast as my feet would carry me without it looking as though I were running.

He did not follow me and I closed my bedroom door and some twenty minutes later, after changing out of my dress, I still had not yet been approached or disturbed by him. I lay down on my bed with hopes of sleep but it did not come easily. Demore was right, as much as I did not want to admit it. We had not had an uninterrupted dinner as a couple since we became husband and wife. Probably even for a long time before that. No matter how hard I tried it seemed we were not meant to lead a normal life. I chose to try and failed. Demore was likely to be in a similar predicament to me. If only we could face each other and discuss our problems, our issues and our feelings. We could not though, and I knew that. We had been enemies for too long and we would not let the other know our weaknesses. We had to appear strong even in our downfall. It was a hard game to play. A hard life to lead and it left me exhausted, but it was a game I choose to play, a life I choose to lead and I continue to honour that choice. Though I grow weary from it.

With these thoughts at the foremost part of my mind I finally drifted off to sleep with images of what my normal life would bring me tomorrow and what issues could possibly interrupt our dinner. I shall make it a game and it also will be a game that I choose to play.

The next day proved to be most uneventful except for the absence once again of my husband at dinner. I did not see him at all throughout the day and his manservant was waiting for me as I entered the dining room to relay an apology and a weak excuse from Demore. I sought him out immediately but could not find him in any of the rooms of the house that I dared to enter and if he was in his study or chambers he was not answering my call.

This occurred every day for the next three days and no matter what time I sought him out I never once saw him. By the evening of the third day I had made up my mind to go out once again to my hill. I did not do this with hopes that he would follow me; I did it because I needed to rid myself of the inside of the house for a while and was in need of not only fresh air but thinking time as well.

So after dinner I changed into more suitable attire and grabbed my cloak. I decided to exit through the servant’s door again because I could not shake the feeling that if I walked out the front door my husband would emerge and stop me.

I walked at a leisurely pace to my hill; I did not want to rush this evening, as so far it had been pleasant, the fresh smell of evening dew hung in the air and the soft slap of my bare feet on the cobblestones was relaxing and the stress and tension that I did not even realise I held was quickly ebbing away.

As I neared the path that lead to the base of my hill I became aware of someone behind me, I dismissed it at first, but the continued and began to wonder if I was being followed. I still did not quicken my pace and I pretended that I did not notice the presence behind me. In reality I was paying very close attention to the footfalls as they echoed around me.

I did not make it more then twenty paces further when the strong hand grabbed my arm roughly and painfully and spun me around. Some part of my mind was expecting my husband and it only served to add to my surprise when it was not him but a man I did not know. This man was not quite as tall as my husband but was far more burly. I looked up at him, I did not recognise him at all and he did not strike me as a friendly character. My heart leapt into my throat as I took in his appearance. His clothes were yellowed and reeked of stale beer and urine, His hair was mattered with what I hoped was mud and not blood, his few remaining teeth were black with rot and a large bruise circled one eye. I did not mistake him for a beggar though, the look in his eyes told me that he was after more then a few coppers.

“May I help you sir?” I was thankful that I managed to keep the trembling from my voice.

“You can, pretty.” He brought his other hand around and gently caressed my cheek. I flinched and pulled away from his touch. “You will regret that pretty girl.” He hissed through his teeth. I am not a weak girl but I soon discovered that my opponent was far stronger than me. He grabbed my other arm in a similar vice grip as to the one he held my first hand in. He started at me for a moment before bringing his leg up behind my own and kicking my knees out from underneath me. I let out a yelp of surprise as I landed on my rear. He kneeled down over me with one leg on either side of me. I lifted my leg in an attempt to disable him but his feet crossed over my legs, pinning them down and rendering me defenseless.

It was then that I heard approaching footsteps. What little hope I still had left me as I realised he had an accomplice. I could not fight against two.

“Over ‘ere Billy.” My captor called without looking behind him. I closed my eyes. I did not want to see my future. A dull thud echoed through my ears and the hold on my wrists loosened. I opened my eyes, unsure of what I would see. My captor’s limp body was thrown off me and in his place stood my husband with one hand reached out to me. It was too dark to see the expression on his face but my mind sprung to the worst conclusion. He was angry. I had left the house without telling him. I had been on my way to a place that he had forbidden me to go. I had disgraced him by wearing inappropriate attire in public and I am sure that I would be blamed for the attack on me as well.

I tentatively accepted his hand and was surprised with the force that he used to pull me up. My first thought was it was his anger and that he had wanted to hurt me but I soon realised just how wrong I was. The momentum sent me crashing into him and he quickly released my hand and wrapped both of his arms firmly around me. He would not release me from his tight grip and I suddenly realised that he had pulled me up with such force so that I would not have the chance to refuse him or his comfort, as that was indeed what it was. I relaxed in his arms and he held me closer for my small sign of trust and appreciation. He brought one hand up behind my head and cradled it gently as his tilted it up to look into his eyes. From this distance I could read his emotions. Anger and fury were defiantly present but at the moment they were by far overruled by the fear and worry that brimmed to the surface and threatened to spill over and run down his cheek.

“Are you alright my Lady?” It was no more than a whisper and his voice shook and trembled. I could not speak and so I simply nodded. He tightened his grip on me once again and my ear was pressed to his chest. I could hear his heart and it was beating as fast as mine. He swept me up into his arms and carried me a short distance away before he stopped again, though he did not release his hold on me and I did not try to gain my freedom. Instead I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head on his chest and became content with listening to the beat of my husband’s heart.

It was no more than a minute later when the Guard came. It had not occurred to me why we were still here but, now that this reason was evident, I panicked. They would want me to testify as to what this man had done. I did not want to relive it nor did I want the scorn that I would surely receive. What if they asked me my destination? Or noticed my clothes? What if they required me to go with them? These things should not have scared me but the events of the night had shaken me and I could not be calm. I tensed in my husband’s arms and my slight change in form did not go unnoticed by my husband.

“It will be alright my Lady. Just let them know what happened. I will be with you the whole time and nothing will happen.” His soothing voice did far more to comfort me than I could imagine, or care to admit, and as one of the guards approached us I found myself reluctantly being released from his arms. As my feet touched the ground I expected my husband to take a step back to give the guard the appearance of privacy. He did not. Instead he wrapped one arm tightly around my shoulders and held one of my limp hands with his other. The guard noticed this small act and did not fail to see its meaning. He asked anyway.

“My Lord, if you would be so kind as to give me a private moment with the Lady to discuss the night’s events.”

“Anything you wish to ask her will be said in my presence. I will not leave her side.” At that moment I was so thankful for my husband and his presence that, were it not for the guard, I believe I would have turned around and kissed him. The guard looked uncomfortable but he proceeded to question me and I retold the night’s adventure.

Demore was then asked to retell his part in the mishap, I was eager to hear it and so was slightly disappointed when Demore chose this time to pull the guard away and tell his actions away from my ears. I stood in the cold night air, as the silence around me soon became a myriad of noise and sound from the people who were attracted by some unknown force to investigate the goings-on of this spot. I believe that my quiet night on Zarnathen’s grave was not going to be tonight. Nor ever again probably, as soon as Demore discovers what my destination for tonight was, although I believe he already knows. I did not forget the anger that was hidden behind his worry for me when he came to my rescue, and I do not think I will be forgetting it any time soon.

Chapter 5

The Morning After

I woke late. I was tucked into my bed covers and I was alone. I do not know when Demore had left but I knew why. He had shown his weakness. First rule of war, never show your weakness to the enemy.

A lot had happened in the past couple of days. A lot more then I had bargained for. No matter how many times I petitioned for it, life was not simple. It was, of course, no one’s fault but my own. It was the choices I made that complicated my life. I could have chosen to be a normal child instead of wild and unruly. I could have chosen to seek out a boy instead of playing like one. I could have chosen to find the man of my dreams instead of running off to lie on the grave of Zarnathen. I could have chosen to be a good and obedient wife instead of running away and purposefully undermining my husband in front of his servants. I didn’t, and now I am paying for those choices with my sanity. For I must be insane.

Here I am, in the house of my enemy and my husband who is one and the same man, and I am smiling at the memory of that sweet though short kiss that he gave me. I am smiling as I remember how safe and warm I felt in his arms last night. I am smiling at the knowledge that he is my husband and no other woman’s, and I am truly disappointed that he was not still holding me when I woke this morning. I feel lonely and cold without his touch and what scares me more than this truth is that I admit to myself that it is truth. I, at this very moment, want nothing more than to be in Demore’s arms.

Oh is the Keeper not cruel to me, to take away my happy morning and all my longing so quickly. How quickly an instant can change.

As I stretched my hand came in contact with a small piece of parchment.

 

My Lady,

I am truly sorry for any distress I may have caused you last night. I was mistaken to act in the manner in which I did and I beg your forgiveness. It was hastily done and improper of me. Please accept my sincerest apologies and I beg that you may forgive me for my abruptness.

            Demore.

 

I could kill him, I could strangle the very air from his neck and I could plunge my dinner knife into his heart. In fact I think I shall do that this very morning. To be so callous and cold towards me after his actions last night. I could not take it. I shall bathe, dress, eat and then finish the morning with his death. Then perhaps I will do some light reading in the library after lunch. Yes, that sounds like a formidable plan for the day. I tore the note in half and threw it on the glowing embers of the dying fire. I think I shall have no meat in my lunch; Demore’s blood will not go well with steak of any kind.

I did just that; well up to the breakfast part anyway. After breakfast I began to wonder. As I entered this room and that I came across the room that Demore and his father had argued in. I remembered what Demores’ father had said as I walked in. I never had gotten around to asking Demore what he meant by what he said. I really must do that.

I jumped as an arm snaked around my waist and I turned to see Demore looking down at me.

“You may have been able to beat me in a war of wits on any day of the week but I could always sneak up on you and scare you into submission before you knew what was going on.” His voice sounded strange and his eyes seemed almost dopey, but I pushed aside these thoughts as I wondered why he was being so friendly to me after writing that note. It was then that I noticed the glass in his other hand and the importance of it sunk in. He was drunk.

I had never known Demore to drink more then a sip of alcohol and only at very special dinners. It was not even lunch yet.

“Demore, darling, I think you have had quite enough.” I smiled sweetly at him and tried to remove the glass from his hand. He held it high and out of my reach. I felt like a child trying to recover a stolen toy from an elder brother or a bully.

“I do not think you should be drinking such poisonous drinks. Especially not in your condition.” I paused. My condition? I turned to ask him what condition that would be but was answered before I got the chance to ask. The arm that was around my waist rubbed my stomach slightly. He thought I was pregnant? I didn’t know whether to be shocked or mortified.

“I can assure you Demore that I am not pregnant. Now give me that drink.” I think I did need it now, not just to get it away from him but also to calm my nerves. What brought on this – was it an accusation?

“But that was the point of the law. To impregnate all the woman so that the men could go back to work without them and to increase the population. Besides, I know you don’t love me. I also know that it isn’t mine but I will be its father. Just tell me who you did allow the honors to.” I slapped him. He dropped his glass and his hand went to his cheek. The glass fell to the floor and I heard its contents splash out to run free on the expensive carpet.

“How dare you accuse me of such a thing? Do you really think that I am that kind of woman? I know a lot of girls in this world may have lapsed in judgment for a time before their men went off to fight, but it was only ever with their man. Only ever with the one they intended to marry anyway. I am not a floozy and as I have no sweetheart nor have I ever had a sweetheart I had no one to lapse my judgment for.”

“It should have been me.”

“What?”

“I should have been your first, your one, your only. Not some good for nothing streeter with nothing left to live for so he joined the army. It should have been me.” He was crying again. I did not know what to do so I hugged him. “But I will love this child as though it is my own.” He mumbled into my hair. I gave up trying to convince him and did the only thing that I thought would calm him.

“It is yours Demore. You know that, now stop being so silly and come sit down with me.” He did this but not once did he release me from his hold. My lie about the nonexistent child did seem to calm him down somewhat.

“Is it really mine?” he seemed almost childlike, pleading with me for the answer that he craved.

“Yes,” I nodded, “you are my one and only.” I did not mean for those words to sound so truthful, especially to myself. I lay there contemplating my future as Demore slowly fell asleep on my shoulder.

I must spend the rest of my life with this man, I must be civil towards him, of that I am sure. He tried, he tried to be civil while keeping me at an acceptable distance but he failed because of my suspicion. If only I could take it back to that, I would take the confusion that it caused just to be able to have some normality in my life once again. I would give my sanity (though I fear I have none left to give) to be able to rid my mind of the thoughts that occupied it this morning before the discovery of Demore’s letter. Oh Keeper take me and my confusing life, I did not ask for this nor did I ever desire it, just give me enough confusion to keep me amused and alert and I shall be content.

I shall take it back to my first day of marriage, I shall start from the start and I will try to rebuild this without the confusion and without those perilous thoughts that my head still desires to bring to my mind. I must rid myself of them, but first I must rid myself of the grip that Demore has around me without waking him.

Some twenty minutes later I sighed. Failure of the first task in my mission for normality was not a good start. I was still trapped tightly in the arms of a sleeping Demore and I resigned myself to remaining there until Demore woke and I could ask him to remove his hold on me. This was not a good start at all.

I do not know what time I woke up but I do know why. Demore was standing over me trying to undress me. I screamed and attempted to roll away. Demore came with me.

“Hold still girl.” He grumbled and winced. “My button is caught in your lace.” As he finished saying this he removed both his hands from me. “There that is better.” It was then that we both suddenly became aware of our situation. We had once again fallen asleep together and I had woken up in the act of him once again trying to escape. We held each other’s gaze for a moment; it was Demore who spoke first.

“I am sorry if I startled you my Lady.” He bowed.

“I thought that was your advantage.” He looked confused, could it be that he does not remember any of our conversation while he was inebriated. “Are you ill?” I questioned, as his face grew pale.

“No.” He responded, and then he left the room with a great deal of speed. I jumped up, determined to follow him. I would not let him escape the consequences so easily this time.

I followed him to his chambers, he ran quickly and I found it difficult to keep up with him, I faced a locked door when I reached his chamber, but this was not nearly enough to stop me. I banged and hammered on it in an attempt to gain his attention. It worked, if only for a moment, the door opened and I almost fell through the hole that was now present where only an instant before solid wood had stood. Strong arms grabbed me and righted me before I fell too far. As soon as I was steady again the arms were gone. I looked up at the face of my rescuer, my husband.

“Are you pregnant?” It was nothing short of a demand and I knew that if I gave the wrong answer the blame would be entirely on me, and he was sober enough now to realize that there was no chance that it was his.

“No.” I whispered. My voice unreadable to even myself. Was I disappointed? Relieved? Scared?

“Good, I would not wish to bring a child into a loveless marriage.” The door was closed before I had time to respond. Not that I needed to anymore. Loveless. I had the only answer I needed to all of my unasked questions in that one word.

Loveless.

I ran back to my room, afraid to cry in such a public place. One where he might see me. I should not care that our marriage was loveless, I should already know this but having it said made it all the more true and for an unknown reason it tore me up inside. I hid. I did not emerge when Leonie came to look for me. I did not emerge for dinner. I did not emerge when my husband stormed through my chambers demanding that I showed my face. I did not emerge for bed. I slept where I was. I do not know why this took to me so hard. I have known from the start that this was not a marriage based on love. It was one based on hate.

Chapter 4

My New Life

“Why is she not in her bed?” called the angry voice that woke me from my restless sleep.

“I am unsure my Lord as I was not present at the hour of her retirement last night and she has not yet woken up, so I cannot ask her.” That voice was scared.

“Are you telling me that you did not come back and attend her after I left?”

“My Lord, I was dismissed for the night and I was unaware-”

“Do not make up excuses girl. You did not do your duty, you shall receive punishment for this.” There was a sharp intake of breath from the owner of the scared voice and a quiet sob that followed shortly after. I decided it was time to intervene.

“Now Demore,” I mumbled through my sleep, “that is no way to treat my Leonie. As she said, she was only following orders and in my current state of mobility and with your abrupt departure last night I had no way of calling her back. Besides, this chair is far comfier than any bed that I have been fortunate enough to spend the night in, though not as flat.” I stretched my back as I said this and felt an unpleasant twinge at the root of my spine. “I would be scared that any bed in this house would swallow me up in softness and I would not be able to rise the next day.” I managed to open one eye. Demore, impeccably dressed as always, looked at me as though I was the oddest creature on this planet and it was his duty to record every detail of me.

“Good morning my Lady,” he snapped his heels together and bowed deeply to me, “I inquire after your sleep, I hope it was a pleasant one and I am sorry to have interrupted it.” Without waiting for an answer or any form of response, he turned abruptly on one heel and exited my wardrobe. I shrugged before turned my attention towards the still crying and slightly shocked Leonie.

“Good morning Leonie. Would you be so kind as to help me up?” She ran over to my side, the entire time she was muttering apologies for this and that, most of which I did not catch.

“You shall not be punished and if that man” – I gestured to the door that Demore had only moments ago exited through – “ever threatens to do so you shall come to me for protection immediately. You may bring him along for a good scolding when you do too.” She giggled quietly to herself and tried to hide it behind an ill-timed cough for at that moment Demore walked back through the door. He looked at my maid in mild shock before rushing over to my side.

“If you are sick, you would do well to stay away from my Lady” he scolded Leonie. I laughed and he looked down at me, concern for my health, and possibly my sanity, still written clearly across his face.

“She was merely trying to hide her laughter at the fun I was poking at you, she wouldn’t want to seem disrespectful towards the man who punishes her for doing what she is told. Now why did you enter my –um– wardrobe unannounced and without even knocking?” That gained his unwanted attention.

“I merely came to inform you that your parents as well as mine will be visiting us for dinner tonight and I expect you to be on your up-most behavior.”

“Yes father.” I teased.

“I assure you that I am not your father my Lady and I would prefer it if you would refrain from calling me such things.”

“Oh Demore, drop the formalities and talk to me plainly. I can assure you that I will not be offended as it is how you have spoken to me for our entire life together, in fact I would much prefer it as it would give me some familiarity with you. I do not know this civil Demore and he frightens me. What are you planning to do, to converse me to death with your ‘my Ladys’ and such?”

“I am sorry for the intrusion my Lady” was all he said. He turned and left.

“Keeper take that man.” I muttered to the closed door.

“My Lady, please come with me and I will show you the rest of your chambers.”

“I think that would be best.” I agreed. She came to my side and allowed me to lean on her as we exited my wardrobe and entered a room across my waiting area.

“This is my Lady’s bathing room” Leonie smiled at the look of awe on my face “is it to my Lady’s liking?”

“It most certainly is.” I breathed as I took in my surroundings. This room was not as large as my wardrobe though it was not far from it. There was a large bathing tub in the corner of the wall in front of me and to my right, though it was more like a pool in size and I felt a moment of pity for whoever’s job it was to fill it when I wanted to wash. Opposite it, on the left wall was a large vanity display set with gold-lined sinks with two matching ewers and a large gilded reflecting glass.

After leading me from this room, Leonie opened the only door that I was yet to enter from my waiting room and led me through. We entered a large sitting parlor set with couches, tables and even a writing desk. My maid hurried me through this room and into another through a door that was opposite the one I had just entered through.

“The bedroom at last” I sighed as I spied the large canopy bed that filled a large portion of the room and held all of attention. This room, I discovered as I glanced briefly away from the bed, was not as large as the one I had just walked through but larger than my wardrobe. I released my grip on Leonie’s shoulder and proceeded to hobble over to the bed. I collapsed on it and after dismissing Leonie with my thanks and instructions to return at lunchtime to collect me, I closed my eyes and the bed did indeed swallow me up with its comfort.

It was close to an hour later when my mind wandered to my husband and his motives. It had occurred to me what he had said to me earlier. My parents were to visit. He had, I decided, set me up in such luxury and had been civil to me only for the benefit of my parents and after this visit, as I am sure this will not be a common occurrence, he will return to his old self and offer me new quarters with my maid. At least then I can stop being so confused and can return to my normal life. Yes, that must be what is going on. This show of wealth and hospitality is for the benefit of my parents and his. I had no time to ponder my thoughts any further for at that moment Leonie entered with my lunch.

**********************************

It was nearing six when Leonie entered again and helped me to my wardrobe to prepare for dinner.

“Do all women of class go through this every day? What a time waster it is” I muttered more to myself than anyone else.

“Ma’am?” was all Leonie answered.

“Never mind” I responded to her damnable one word question, “what shall I wear today?”

One hour later precisely I entered the dining room to discover it empty. I was early today and was proud of my achievement and so I took a seat at the informally short table to wait. It was almost fifteen minutes later that I heard voices drift to me from the hall.

“…took a small spill on a step yesterday and her foot is still rather swollen, not yet familiar with the house. I am sure she will be waiting for us in the dining room.” The door opened and in walked our guests. I hastily stood up. ‘How could I have forgotten that I should have been there to greet them at the door’ I scolded myself. Of course I have never had to do it before, as this was only my second day as a mistress of a house, and my first time ever as a hostess – though I doubted my husband would see this side of my argument later when he came to scold me for my mistake. “There you are my dear.” My dear? What was he playing at? Of course; we have guests.

My parents followed him into the room, and his parents followed mine. My father wore the same suit that he had been wearing the day before at my wedding and my mother wore a simple, off the rack desk that I had never seen before, though I doubt this was because it was new, it looked older then me. Both of them looked uncomfortable in such surroundings. I suddenly felt overdressed in the elegant and full skirted cream dress that Leonie had imprisoned me in. The feeling lasted less than an instant as I caught sight of Demore’s parents. His father wore not only a different suit, but his waistcoat, shirt, cravat, and even his shoes looked new and never worn. The twang of shame I felt for my parents lessened with his lack of taste, not even a street peddler would wear something that gaudy. His mother wore a similar styled dress to my own mother’s, though I am sure that it was much newer in fashion and tailored to fit her slim frame perfectly.

Demore walked over to my side and placed an arm around my shoulders. I knew why he did not offer me his arm like last night; he would not let me refuse him in front of our guests. He placed a small kiss on the top of my head and if I had been aware that he was about to do so I would have pulled away. I guess this is why he did not tell me of his plans. He then gently inquired after my health and the state of my foot. I smiled at my parents then returned my attention back to my husband and returned my features back to normal and told him that I was well rested and my foot was not bothering me so much anymore after his careful ministrations last night. Then I smiled at him. That took me by surprise as much as it did him. He removed his arm from my shoulders and offered it to me. I took it. “May I lead you to your seat my Lady.” I smiled at him and gave a short nod as he led me to the foot of the table. Our mothers were left to be escorted by their respective husbands.

So dinner began and proceeded to surprise me many more times. I could have chosen to be a complete child and caused Demore a great deal of embarrassment, but for some reason I did not. We were civil to each other the entire evening. My mother’s smile grew more with each passing conversation without argument or incident. Demore’s father’s scowl also grew.

I came up with three possibilities as to the reason for my civility throughout the meal. The first was to see my mother happy and so she did not spend the rest of her days thinking and worrying that she had forced her only daughter into a life of misery. The second was to see Demore’s father angry, I never did like the man that much and he never seemed to like me either. The last was so that Demore did not receive that anger, for at the moment it was all aimed at myself, though if I was being disrespectful or ill-mannered I know it would be aimed at Demore. Despite all my attempts at understanding and reason, I found myself realising that, although all options had some sway on my thoughts, the one that seemed to be the most prominent was the last. I wanted to make Demore look good in front of his father and wanted to save him from the angry glances.

By the end of the meal my civility towards Demore was coming out without effort, as though it was natural for me to be like this. On my discovery of this I was quite surprised and covered my surprise with a yawn that had been trying to escape from me for some ten minutes now.

“The evening is falling into night” my husband suddenly announced. “And I believe my wife falls with it. Perhaps it is time to end this gathering?”

“Do not quit on my account.” I protested. The last thing I needed was to be blamed for ending the evening short.

“My dear it is not on your account but on your health. We do not want you becoming ill and the night is getting chilly, we do not want to keep anyone out in this weather.” He smiled at me; it was a generous smile that reached all the way to his eyes. I had seen a surprisingly large number of those smiles since I had become Demore’s wife and after I had not seen one for so many years I could do naught but return it. My husband stood and walked to my side. As we lead our guests out and wished them farewell Demore and his father exited into a small parlor near the front door for a private word. I took this opportunity to leave the two mothers to talk as I too spoke to my father in private.

“Father, I must ask you something.”

“Hm, and what would that be? Is he treating you well my dear? You let me know if he is not and I shall be here to take you away immediately an…”

“No father, he has so far been nothing but civil towards me.”

“What about this foot injury, he didn’t push you down that stair did he?”

“No father, I kicked an armchair in frustration, he was not even present and was not the cause of my frustration either.”

“Very well, but I believe you called me over here to ask me something.”

“Yes, father I must know what you offered Demore in exchange for my hand.”

“What I offered him?” He paused, looking slightly puzzled, “Oh, I see, I think that is a question you best ask your husband.”

“But father-”

“I best be taking your mother home now.” He had raised his voice so that our conversation carried to the two women standing at the other side of the entrance hall. As he spoke he began to move towards his wife. “You are always welcome to visit us, as is your husband. Thank you for the wonderful dinner. We must do this again some time.” He had already taken my mother by the shoulders and was steering her out the door. He bowed deeply to Demore’s mother and then they were gone.

I began to head towards my mother-in-law. Still puzzling over what my father had said and pondering what I would say to this woman, almost a stranger to me and yet now almost as closely related to me as my own mother. I got no chance to even come to a conversational distance with her as a loud yell filled the air and the house seemed to shudder in protest as something collided with its walls and shattered. I glanced at Demore’s mother, worry and surprise was written as clearly across her face as I am sure it was on mine. We both dashed towards the door of the room that Demore and his father currently occupied. I reached it first, as it was near the location of my conversation I had had with my father, and opened the door to find my husband standing tall against his father, a vase lay shattered behind him and in his fathers hands there was another. Demores father was shouting something though he stopped as soon as I opened the door.

“She is my problem, and yours.” My father-in-law’s voice was cold. He placed the vase back on the sideboard and left the room. His arm collided with my shoulder as he passed me and the force that he hit me with would have sent me to the ground had the door frame not been there to support me. I heard the front door close with a certain amount of finality as our last remaining guests left. At the sound of it I ran forward to my husband, a small trickle of blood ran from his fingertips and I took his hand to inspect the damage. A maid entered and I sent her to get me a bandage. I have never seen anyone run as fast as she did. As she left the room I felt Demores’ uninjured arm snake around my waist and he pulled me in close to him. I dropped his hand in surprise as he pulled me into a tight embrace. His lips caressed my hair in a silent kiss that I am unsure if I was meant to discover, and then he abruptly pushed me away.

“Go to bed now, you are tired. A maid will look after me.” It was an order. He turned his back on me. I laid a hand on his shoulder only to have it shrugged off. “GO.” I ran from the room as fast as my injured foot allowed.

I did not see my husband for a week after that. Even at dinner time, I would enter the dining room at seven, in the attire that my husband requested, to discover only one place set and an apology from his manservant saying that he would not be present for the meal. My foot healed to a point where it no longer bothered me or caused me discomfort unless I mistreated it and I explored the house to discover that it was three stories high, with an attic as a fourth level and a cellar below us. I discovered a library in which I spent a large amount of my time and I explored every room other than those in my husband’s chambers and his study. The house was exquisite and I could still not believe that it belonged to someone, or that that someone was my husband. There seemed to be more rooms then anyone could ever have use for yet every one had its own purpose.

To be truthful though, I quickly grew bored. If it weren’t for the library I would surely have gone mad. I had never been kept in a house for so long. I did not like to be indoors. Even during my self-imprisonment for the week before my wedding I still snuck out at night to visit the hill with its black stone river.

Of course, that’s it. I could not believe my own complacency! No one has told me that I may not leave this house, no one is keeping me here, so tonight I will dress for the occasion and go and visit the resting place of Zarnathen.

I was almost fearful that Demore would show up for dinner that night, for if he did he would know that I was up to something and keep me from it. He did not, and true to his habits for the last week I entered the dining room at seven and received the apology from the manservant. I sat and ate my dinner quietly but quickly and left. It was already dark out and I wanted to leave before some force, presently unknown, tried to stop me. I still did not know how I was going to leave; I did not think it would be wise for me to leave through the front door. Inspiration hit me as I dismissed Leonie some 20 minutes later. There would surely be an exit through the servants’ quarters, but I could not ask Leonie to show me the way for she would never let me go alone and if anyone was to go with me I could not imagine the scene they would cause when they discovered my destination. I am sure that this information would make it back to my husband and I did not care to find out the extent of my husband’s anger nor did I want it directed at me.

I took one of my large overcoats off its hanger and quickly followed my maid. She disappeared behind a tapestry and as I approached it I discovered a door behind it. I waited a moment to give Leonie time to disappear before I opened the door only an inch and peered in. All was quiet, and no more then ten paces in front of me I saw a door that lead to my freedom, at least for the night. I hurried to it, not giving myself enough time to make an excuse for my presence if I was caught. Thankfully, I did not need one. I drew a large breath of fresh cold air as I stepped through the door but did not linger long. I raced through the nearly deserted streets and up to the hill. My hill. I lay down on the mark that symbolized the place where Zarnathen had thrown himself to his death. I liked it here. Small shoots of grass struggled up through the earth yet none of them dare touch the black river. I could relax here for I had no need to worry in my current location.

It was some time later that I woke to someone calling my name. At first I thought that Zarnathen was calling me from his imprisonment in the stone but I soon realised that the voice was coming from my right and not from beneath me. The voice sounded worried, even a little panicked, and I sat up to locate its owner. This caught the eye of the figure and it jumped back before rushing forward again.

“You gave me such a fright.” The concerned voice of my husband scolded me. “I though you were Zarnathen himself rising from the dead, what are you doing out here?”

“Just resting, it was such a pleasant night and…” I suddenly remembered where I was and I who I was talking to. I jumped up and tried to back away all in one swift movement. My feet had other plans, and just as quickly as I was up I was falling again. Demore caught me. Keeper take him and his lightning reflexes, I would prefer to be on the ground with a sore rear and a hurt pride than be in his arms and so close to him. I regained my footing quickly in hopes that he would release me. He did not.

“What in the Keeper’s name were you doing out here? There are still those who are sympathetic to Zarnathen’s cause, did you know that? What would have happened if they had come up here and discovered you?” I attempted to shake myself from his grasp and failed miserably.

“How did you find me?”

“I know you like this place bu…”

“How did you even know I was gone?”

“Do not interrupt me you silly girl – this is a dangerous place.”

“I have been coming here for almost three months and I have not once come close to danger.”

“Three months!”

“Yes, three months. If you ask me, it is one of the safest places on this world as no one will come up here.”

“You will not come up here agai…”

“You cannot stop me!”

“I will warn you only once more about interrupting me, and I most certainly can stop you. I can have it so you never leave the house again, so I suggest you start behaving like a lady and not a child.” Up until this time our entire conversation had passed in harsh whispers. I broke this low volume at the same time I broke from his grasp.

“I hate you. You know that, I have had no say in any of this. I have had no choice. No chance to find myself another husband or at the lottery. I do not know what my father offered you to take my hand but I will make you regret the day you met me, I will have you begging my father to take back whatever it was just to be rid of me.” Then I ran.

I had made it no more than a few steps when I was swept up into the arms of my husband once again. He picked me up and despite my kicking and hitting he held onto me tightly. Once I had finally calmed down he proceeded to carry me the full distance back to the house. He carried me all the way to my room and placed me on my bed. As he moved away Leonie came to occupy the space he had just vacated. The poor girl was in tears with worry. I held her off for a moment and turned back to my husband who was hesitating between two decisions. Probably what would be the best form of punishment for me. Well, if I was already in trouble I would continue to push, there was no way out of it now.

“How did you know I was missing?” He turned to me as if distracted, somewhere in the back of my mind I registered that his shirt sleeves were unbuttoned and his shoes were miss matched, as though he had dressed in a hurry.

“Your maid informed me.” It was a dismissal but I ignored it. I did not even need to see the look of confusion that crossed Leonies’ face to know it was a lie.

“Do you want to tell me the truth now or would you prefer me to continue to ask you until you do?” I glared at him. I had his attention now and he glared back.

“Good night my Lady.” He turned to leave.

“Oh no you don’t.” I was on him before he could fully react, thanks to the advantage of surprise. I would regret my choice to do this for the rest of the night, as I would not get a moment of sleep because of it. Although I was fast enough to attack him before he could block me, he did have time to turn as I jumped. I collided with him and we both tumbled to the ground. I was on top but only for an instant. As soon as we came to rest he threw me to one side and rolled on top of me. I immediately began to beat his chest. He took each of my hands in his own and held them with surprising strength. I stilled beneath him as I looked into his eyes. He was staring at me, unblinking. I could not read the emotion in his eyes but it scared me. We stayed in this position for an eternity and an instant.

“I knew because I… I…, because it is my duty to know.” He released the pressure of his grip but did not let go of me. He made a small movement and I thought he was about to leave again. My eyes dropped of their own intention and in the instant my eyes left him his lips were on mine. My eyes snapped back to his but they meet empty air. He was gone. I heard the door close behind me.

It was some time later when I finally stirred from my position on the floor. He had kissed me. Why? I looked around, Leonie was no longer here and I wondered when she had left. I wonder if she had witnessed his kiss. What was going on in this house? Were we all destined to go mad, as Demore evidently had, if we stayed under this roof? Why, why had he kissed me?

As I mentioned earlier I got no sleep on this night. I spent the entire night tossing and turning, trying to find a motive for the kiss. It occurred to me as the first rays of dawn crept into my room that his motive could have been this, to keep me from sleeping. Of course, after a night of no rest my mind was not at its best and so I decided to seek him out and discover the truth from the source itself.

It being so early I expected him to be in his chambers, probably fast asleep with a smile on his face as he thought of me still tossing and turning. In my right state of mind I would never have considered forcing myself into his chambers especially at such an hour, but I was not in my right state of mind and the thought of him sleeping while I could not only acted as dry kindling for my fire of fury.

I left my room in a storm, still wearing the clothes that I had worn last night on my escapade and headed towards his chambers. I was unhindered the entire way, as no sensible person was up at this hour. As I reached his bedroom door I threw it open but not even a single word had left my mouth before I noticed that the bed was empty and had not been slept in. I thought for a moment before heading to his study. Up until now I had respected his wishes to be left alone while in this room but I did not mean to do so this morning. I threw open the door with such force that it hit the wall with a loud crash. In the instant before Demore reacted I regretted my hasty actions. He looked so peaceful. He had his side to me and was staring forward so I could see the profile of his face. The fingers of one hand rested gently against his lips and he too was still in the clothes that he was wearing last night, unbuttoned shirt sleeves and mismatched shoes still present. At the sound of the door hitting the wall he jumped as though waking from a sleep and his head whipped around to face me. He looked at me for a moment as though he did not know who I was; or perhaps it was through me as though he did not expect me to be there and so looked past me. Either way it did not last long. He stood, bringing himself to his full height as I cowered before him and the look on his face. I have never felt so small. He pointed to the door behind me and said three words that shook the house to its very foundation, as well as shaking me.

‘GET OUT,” he paused and so did I. “NOW!” I ran. I felt like a small child fleeing from the wrath of my father. I ran to my chamber and hid in my wardrobe behind a large mass of dresses. I cried. I do not cry often, but I cried now. I do not know why, I had been scolded before. I put it down to my over-tired state.

I sat there for close to an hour before I heard movement in my chamber. Assuming it was Leonie I began to straighten myself up and was just about to emerge from my hiding spot when the door opened and Demore entered. I froze. What was he doing here? Evidently he was looking for me for he began to search the room. Has he come to scold me further? Well I will not make it easy for him. I remained in my sanctuary as he proceeded to search my room. He left shortly after, and I heard harsh voices coming through the slightly ajar door.

“My Lord what are you doin-” Leonie was evidently unaware of Demores’ current mood.

“Where is she?” I could picture the look of fear and surprise on Leonie’s face.

“My Lord?”

“Your Lady, girl, where is she?”

“I-I do not know S-sir. Has she gone missing again?”

“No, she is in this house. If you see her you shall bring her to me immediately. If she refuses to follow you then you shall come and find me and tell me of her whereabouts. Are we clear?”

“Yes My Lord.” He left in a flurry of coats and a short time later Leonie entered. “Ma’am?” she spoke tentatively. “Are you here? I shall not turn you into His Lordship.”

“It is alright Leonie, I know you shall not.” I spoke as I emerged from my sanctuary; she jumped and tuned to face me, a hand placed over her heart.

“You gave me a fright Ma’am.”

“For that I apologise. I am tired Leonie and wish to sleep. If he enters my chambers again I want you to kick up such a fuss that it will wake me and I will be prepared. Hold him off for as long as you can.” Leonie nodded and I stood and walked to my bedroom where I finally fell asleep.

It was many hours later when I was woken from my slumber and not by the yelling of my maid and my husband as I had feared but instead by the gentle whisper of my maid as she insisted that I must prepare for dinner.

“What time is it?”

“My Lady it is almost seven, I should not have let you sleep so late for now you will barely have time to dress, forgive me please.”

“Never dear girl, you did right. I cannot face him and so I shan’t be going to dinner anyway. Please send my apologies and claim illness on my behalf.”

“Ma’am?”

“Please child, ask the question, not the word for I have no idea how to interpret you.”

“So sorry Ma’am,” she curtsied slightly as she apologised. “It is just that I fear you shall anger His Lordship further. No one besides myself has been able to approach him all day and he only lets me near him long enough to find out if I have found you yet.”

“Go to him, tell him that you have found me and that I am indisposed. I will not endure an hour of dress wearing for that pompous man so that he can glare at me or criticize me, he will probably not show up anyway and all of this will be for naught. But I will not have another lonely and uncomfortable dinner nor will I endure his company. Go.” And bless her, she did. I do not know what I feared or wanted more; Demore to be at dinner and to know my treason or for him to not show up as has become his habit in the past week and for him to never find out. I did not have to wait long for his reaction.

“My Lord please-” Leonie sounded almost desperate in her plea. Then my door erupted and Demore entered dragging my maid behind him by her wrist.

“What is the meaning of this?” His face was red with anger as he threw Leonie to the floor at his feet.

“Keeper take you if you have harmed her in any way.” I called to him as I too dove to his feet to ensure Leonie’s safety. I helped her to her feet. “Leave us dear girl, I do not want you to be the intention of any more of his temper.” The poor girl made to protest but I stopped her.

“Report to me tomorrow morning for punishment.” Demores’ cold voice seemed to fill the air. I felt the poor girl tremble in my arms.

“She will do no such thing.” I turned my attention back to Demore. “Now leave us child.” She hastily made for the door and closed it behind her.

“Do not undermine me in front of my servants.” He was looking down his nose at me in a manner that reminded me greatly of his father.

“Do not punish them for things that they have not done and I won’t.”

“Why were you not at dinner tonight?” He demanded

“Why have you not been at dinner all this week?”

“You will answer my question.”

“No I will not.”

“You will listen to me child.”

“I am not a child.”

“You are and I will continue to call you such until you prove to me otherwise.”

“Why do you hate me?”

“Why do you hate me?” He returned.

“Because eleven years ago you took a sudden disliking to me and to this day I still do not know why.”

“Then I will tell you why, you are of an inferior class. You are a disgrace to your family and an embarrassment to your father. He would never have been able to marry you off if it weren’t for this marriage law.” He had me stunned for a moment but I gathered my composure; I was in my element with him in this fight of wits and it made me forget the confusing last few days.

“Yet it seems he had no issue with marrying me off, I did not even have to wait for the lottery because you jumped at the chance to have a disgrace by your side.”

“And I have regretted that choice since the day I made it.”

“Then you should have saved us both the trouble and cancelled the engagement.”

“Is that what you would have preferred happen? I saved you from a life with an unknown stranger or Purtan at the expense of my own and this is how you repay me?”

“Am I that much of a burden?”

“Yes!”

“Then let me rid you of your burden Sir.” I bowed to him mockingly then pushed my way passed him and made my way to the door.

“You shall not leave this house.” He called to me without turning around.

“No, I suspect you will be taking me out of here in a coffin!” With that I slammed the door but not before I saw him turn around. Great, now he is after me. I ran. I needed to be alone, to collect my thoughts and composure and allow him to do the same. I did not know where to go but I could hear him coming after me. He was faster than me but I was far more agile and could make myself disappear behind a corner. I was glad that I was not wearing a dress but was still in the trousers and shirt that I had put on for my journey the night before. It was a small advantage, his was that he had lived in this house for a lot longer than I, and I knew I could not run forever. I needed to hide until he had calmed down. I did not think about the consequences of my actions or that I could no longer run to my father for safety after invoking Demore’s temper. Where could I go that he would not think to look for me? ‘Always hid in the last place they would think to look’ my father used to say, ‘and that is normally the place you aren’t allowed in.’ His study. I ran faster, I knew that he was gaining ground on me and I ran with the fear of my life. I reached it and threw the door open with the intention of closing it behind me. It did not happen. I froze as I took in the room.

Me. Paintings of me. Paintings and drawings that I had done when I was a child. Letters that were written by me. Keeper take me if this room did not contain every single item I had ever given Demore. I could even see the hem of my shirt that I had torn to wrap the finger that he had cut when I was six. I suddenly felt strong arms around my waist and I spun around in surprise as Demore pulled me in close to him. Still in shock, I did not fight him as he picked me up and carried me back to my chambers. I lent against his chest as he carried me, listening to his beating heart and feeling the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. Once we made it to my chamber he seemed reluctant to let me go and I was surprised to find myself hoping that he would not release me just yet.

“Why?” It was no more than a whisper and I did not think he had heard me ask it at first.

“I am afraid that you have picked up a nasty habit that my servants and I share of asking one word questions. Would you care to elaborate?”

“Why did you…” I didn’t know what I was trying to ask. I was asking everything. How do you elaborate on a question that is in its essence a one-word question? And so I asked it again. “Why?” His response was truly the only answer that could be given to the question.

“Why not?”

“Because you hate me.”

“Ah, now we are going somewhere. No, I do not hate you.”

“But you have hated me ever since I wa-”

“No, never hated you. Treated you bad, yes, been cruel and unfair towards you defiantly, but never hated you.”

“Why?”

“Are we back to that already? Very well. For the very reasons I gave you earlier. You are of lower class and you are improper.”

“And for that you hate me.”

“I have told you that I do not hate you.”

“I hate you.”

“That does not surprise me, you were young and one of your nearest and dearest friends suddenly and inexplicably became your enemy.”

“You were my only friend.” I mumbled into his chest. There was silence for a moment, his chest rose and fell beneath my cheek and I felt more then heard his deep sigh. His answer made it plain that this was new information for him.

“I am sorry.” He sat down on the end of my bed. I began to detangle myself from his arms but he pulled me in close again and I resigned myself to being in his arms. I waited for him, to say more and when it became evident that he was not going to elaborate any further I continued my gentle questioning.

“Why did you suddenly become so mean towards me?”

“It’s complicated.” I felt him turning away from this subject and, not wanting to lose this helpful Demore, I followed the path he was leading me down.

“Why did you marry me?”

“Because I could.” I don’t think that is the answer that I wanted. I looked up at him and saw tears in his eyes. I have never seen Demore cry before, I admit that I did not think him capable. It is quite dark in here, perhaps I am imagining things. I rested my head against his chest again and felt a tear hit the top of my head.

“Why are you crying?” I expected him to go into a rage, expected his to fling me from his arms and curse me. I did not expect his arms to tighten around me protectively; I did not expect the words that came out of his mouth either. Yet he wrapped his arms around me tighter and muttered through my hair.

“I thought I had lost you.”

We sat there in silence for a while longer as I gave Demore time to compose himself. When I was sure that he had achieved this I turned my head towards his and looked at him in utmost seriousness.

“I am afraid, Demore that you are going to have to try a lot harder than that to rid yourself of me, for you see you made the very foolish mistake of marrying me.” He smiled at me. It was a sad smile but there was joy and hope in his red-rimmed eyes.

“So you are not going to ah, I believe your maid put it ‘off yourself’ then?” Now I understood. Demore was afraid that I was going to kill myself. I held him slightly closer to me as a comfort as I could find no words to express myself. I eventually settled on the simple.

“No. Never.” It was all I said, though it was enough for Demore. He pulled me down onto the bed and we fell asleep, still fully clothed, and in each other’s arms.

The Night

To say I was scared would be to lie. I was not scared, I was terrified. My mother had tried to talk to me about this but she wasn’t too happy about having to talk to me through my bedroom door and I would not open the door for anyone, so she had given up. She had slid a note in with my food one night.

 

Don’t be scared, he is a kind man and he will be gentle.

 

Of course at that time I didn’t know who my husband was to be and it gave me some small hope. Now I worried for my mother’s sanity. I had no doubt that Demore was a gentleman. At least, to everyone else he was. To me he was like an immature child, and I was the same to him. We had not grown a day older towards each other since the day I turned seven, since the day he decided to hate me. The nonexistent dinner had finished less than 30 minutes ago, I was hungry, and I had eaten little in the past week and nothing today but I would not go back down there. Not to him. Not for the luxury of food. Now I sat, once again, in my wardrobe, though now I had been released from the restraints of my dress and had opted for a pair of trousers and a loose shirt, much to Leonie’s dismay. It was the first pair that I had worn as a married woman, how odd that I had spent most of my life in such clothes yet today was the first day that I felt self-conscious in them. I sat here for the same reason I sat there before. Fear of the unknown – though now that I could hear the disturbance outside I was beginning to regret my hasty decision of familiarity over distance. I could hear their voices drift through to me. Ah, my sweet Leonie, pleading my case.

“My Lady is indisposed Sir, you may not enter.” I heard her voice carry through the thick wardrobe door.

“Don’t be foolish girl, if she is indisposed I must ensure that she is well.” Damn him and his quick thinking.

“My Lady is indecent Sir and I must insist that you do not enter.” Good girl.

“Your Lady is my wife.” He had lost his calm on the last word and like his calmness I knew that we had lost the argument and, as if to prove my thoughts correct, the door opened and Demore did not even allow Leonie to present him before he stormed through and closed the wide gap between us in three long strides as though the distance between us was no greater then the distance between two side walls in a corridor. The look on his face did not bode well. I sat on my chair with my legs drawn up underneath me and to one side and watched him. I could not keep the trembling from my hands and so I hid them in my lap. After all, we all knew the reason for the marriage law. Children.

He knelt in front of me; I was surprised by this action, that is certain. So surprised that my hands momentarily stopped shaking as I pondered why he would lower himself to my height. My unexplainable calm did not last long and as fear re-entered my body it filled me so that I could no longer hide my shaking hands in my lap as it too was now shaking. My hands could find no refuge in the rest of my shaking body and so they resigned to stay in my lap.

“I must know your choice.” It was a plea. This surprised me far more then his entrance or his current stature. My choice? What did he mean? He could obviously see the confusion written on my face for he proceeded to answer my unasked question. “Will you be my wife?”

“I am your wife.” I stated plainly and without a moment’s hesitation.

“But will you choose to be my wife?”

“As I am already your wife what choice do I have?”

“There is always a choice.” He echoed my thoughts from earlier.

“What will you do when I give my answer?” He paused.

“I will ask you to play cards with me.” I paused, confused by this odd comment.

“No matter what my answer is?”

“No matter what you answer is.” He repeated.

“Then this is my answer, as it was earlier. I am ready to be your wife.” It was obvious that my answer did not satisfy him but he could see that he would get no other from me tonight. I had done well to hold the shaking from my voice for this long. Did he really only plan to play cards with me? I asked him this and a gentle laughter answered me.

“Yes, though you are evidently distressed and I fear that I am the cause of this so if you would prefer me to leave you I shall.”

“No.” My answer had left my lips almost before he has finished speaking and defiantly before I had time to stop myself. “A game would be nice” I smiled. What was going on? We were being civil towards each other and did I just admit to wanting his company?

We sat on the floor for many hours playing cards and discussing nothing of importance. It was surprisingly pleasant. He was neither a poor loser nor a boastful winner, though I cannot say the same for myself. I was not rude, though I was almost childish with many of my actions. But he simply smiled as I pouted, laughed at my glee, and was that pride I saw as I trumped his top card? It took me back to the days of my childhood. He had taught me this game and on the first time that I beat him he was so overwhelmed with pride and happiness that he had taken me to his house to see his father and boast not only of my accomplishment but also of his teaching skills. He had returned from his father’s study a short time later with no smile to inform me that I had to leave as he had been called for dinner and would not be allowed out again today. It was not an uncommon occurrence and so I thought nothing of it. Only eleven years ago he had seemed so much older than me. I sobered as I remembered the look on his face that day.

“Why do you hate me?” I did not mean for my voice to sound so venomous. Almost as if I was insulted to ask. He did not even look up from his cards.

“I do not.”

“Then why-”

“I do not wish to discuss the matter at this time.” His was annoyed. He placed his cards on the floor of my wardrobe, stood up and left. I sat there for a moment, staring at the door as if it could supply me with the answers to my unasked questions. My big mouth! That was by far the longest we had spent together without arguing in eleven years. It felt good. It felt like old times. It felt like hope. Why did I ruin it?

I was tired, I wanted to sleep. I had dismissed Leonie some time ago as it was now late. I did not know where my bedroom was and I was not awake enough nor in the mood to explore so I moved myself back to the chair and made myself comfortable. It took many hours for sleep to come to me and when it finally did it was not pleasant.